look back and smile...
yet again i dint have a good sleep. slept at 430am but woke up at 8+...wtf. ohh...finally felt hungry last night at 3+, first time in 2 days man, and had a piece of bread. still cant believe i have eaten only so little for the past 2 days. still wondering how i made it through those 2 days on so little sleep and food. and i still have got no appetite, no taste for food, but i have to eat, dun wana "spoil" my body.
i was feeling quite lousy yest afternoon and i needed to get out of the house so went out for a smoke and a walk. think at around evening time, something juz hit me..
i havent bought her flowers before. i wanted to surprise her last week while i was in JB. wanted to find a florist and buy her a flower but all the florists i knew were closed. somehow, that thought juz dint surface again till yest. i juz wanted to do one last nice thing for her...if its really the end.
looked through the phone book, found a few florists near my house, and off i went. i found 3 florists in the phone book and ended up 2 were closed. lucky for the 3rd one. anyway, bought her a sunflower nicely wrapped up coz its her fave flower. then something else hit me again. this image of the bouquet of flowers placed in a box juz appeared in my mind.
went home, put the flowers down, then went walking around asking shops if they could spare me any empty ones. most of the shops dun have any coz some old man cleared them away in the morning already, except for one. thank god. ok fine...the box wasnt the nicest around but its the best i could do at that moment. went back home again.
decided to write her a letter but wanted something to put the letter in, so took some, plenty actually, ice cream sticks and made a small holder out of it. took me quite some time man.
then took a Heineken glass that we "took" from Rouge juz last week. it was supposed to belong to her coz we took one each, but i sorta pissed her off that nite and she went back home without the glass. neway, i filled the glass with stars that i've been making and used the transparent food wrap thingy as a cover.
by now the glue on the ice cream sticks thingy was dry so thought i put some finishing touches to it. wanted to write her name using those glitter glue so left the house to look for it. it was only 830 and all the shops were like closed. sigh. Plan B then. "wrote" her name using those small round pieces of leftovers u get after punching holes in paper. dint turn out the way i imagined but manage to salvage it after tracing it using black marker. and then the letter went in. fits pretty well. good.
next step, taping the box back together and putting newspapers and pages from magazines in it. then placed all the stuff in it. think it more or less looked like what i had in mind initially. took pictures of it with my fone.
went to pick her and her good fren, patsy, up from town after my bro came back with the car at 10+. i can feel that everything was different. the way she talked. the expression on her face. the way she behaved. it was really quiet in the car initially. i had no idea what to say to her and patsy. after a while she juz started talking to pat about their shopping and stuff, think in an attempt to make it less awkward?? no idea man.
anyway, went straight to her place after sending pat home.
actually wanted her to open the box in the car but for some weird reason i changed my mind. i told her to bring the whole box home instead. duno which was the better option but whatever.
went to meet PJ after that and had a nice long talk at the dam. juz sat there and talked for over 3 hours. suddenly i juz felt so much less of a man, i've become like so weak...so vulnerable..so..."girly" in my thinking...so un-me.
anyway, thanks PJ, you're really a wonderful fren. frens for life babe.
went back home and looked at her blog again. she had a new entry. her ex sent her a disturbing sms YET AGAIN. what an asshole. hes got a new gf and yet he juz dun wana let her live her life in peace. sometimes i really think that the bastard deserves a really good thrashing. he needs to be taught a lesson and wake up. he had hurt her badly enough once already, and still wants to continue doing it. whats he trying to do man? but then again...im was in no position to do anything before, and more so now.
i msg her to take care before i finally got into bed. what a day.
i dint have the car yest coz bro was using it. its the first time i've walked around my area like that, looking for stuff. i went to and fro the same area like 3-4 times and walked to places i normally would dread going on foot.
thinking about it...im quite surprised actually, considering that i've become very reliant on the car over the years and that for once, those places appear "so nearby" and i dint complain about the distance and i actually made a few trips to get the stuff. im not that lazy afterall.
===========================================
shes working today so im not meeting her. then again...even if shes free today i may not meet her as well...dun want it to be awkward.
im juz wondering if i should go pick her up after work tonite, like i always do. even though i more or less know what to expect, i juz wana hear it from her about whats going to happen to us from now on.
are we really over? is she juz waiting for the guy to come back from overseas?
well...i juz duno if tonite is the best time to talk to her about that, coz she will be tired after a long day and she will be affected by her ex. i dun want her to feel more stressed up but then again, i really would like to know what shes gona say.
heard from their conversation in the car that they will be pretty busy the whole week..clubbing on wed...recovering from hangover on thur...probably going cbc again on fri...airport on sat to pick up a fren. if i dun ask her tonite, the next possible chance might be next week, after hes back...and she'll probably be meeting up with him a lot so not much possibilities there as well.
hmmm....dilemma.
no matter what, she has made me realised a few things about myself and i've learnt something from this whole "r/s", if its even considered one in the first place.
like what they say...
if its meant to be, its meant to be.
dun be sad that its over, be glad that it had happened.
i will look back, and i will smile.
it was wonderful while it lasted.
it had given me lots of pain,
but it had brought me many pleasant memories as well.
well...an interesting and enjoyable chapter of my life closed...im juz afraid that i may find it hard to get the book opened again...
i have this really bad feeling that im gona go back to being the "old me". to being terrified of commitment and probably afraid to love again?
its like i've finally manage to drag myself out of the hole and now i may end up sinking deeper into it.
its all in the mind...its like a switch...juz give me a few days to locate it...another few more days to figure out how to turn it off...and i'll be fine.
i was feeling quite lousy yest afternoon and i needed to get out of the house so went out for a smoke and a walk. think at around evening time, something juz hit me..
i havent bought her flowers before. i wanted to surprise her last week while i was in JB. wanted to find a florist and buy her a flower but all the florists i knew were closed. somehow, that thought juz dint surface again till yest. i juz wanted to do one last nice thing for her...if its really the end.
looked through the phone book, found a few florists near my house, and off i went. i found 3 florists in the phone book and ended up 2 were closed. lucky for the 3rd one. anyway, bought her a sunflower nicely wrapped up coz its her fave flower. then something else hit me again. this image of the bouquet of flowers placed in a box juz appeared in my mind.
went home, put the flowers down, then went walking around asking shops if they could spare me any empty ones. most of the shops dun have any coz some old man cleared them away in the morning already, except for one. thank god. ok fine...the box wasnt the nicest around but its the best i could do at that moment. went back home again.
decided to write her a letter but wanted something to put the letter in, so took some, plenty actually, ice cream sticks and made a small holder out of it. took me quite some time man.
then took a Heineken glass that we "took" from Rouge juz last week. it was supposed to belong to her coz we took one each, but i sorta pissed her off that nite and she went back home without the glass. neway, i filled the glass with stars that i've been making and used the transparent food wrap thingy as a cover.
by now the glue on the ice cream sticks thingy was dry so thought i put some finishing touches to it. wanted to write her name using those glitter glue so left the house to look for it. it was only 830 and all the shops were like closed. sigh. Plan B then. "wrote" her name using those small round pieces of leftovers u get after punching holes in paper. dint turn out the way i imagined but manage to salvage it after tracing it using black marker. and then the letter went in. fits pretty well. good.
next step, taping the box back together and putting newspapers and pages from magazines in it. then placed all the stuff in it. think it more or less looked like what i had in mind initially. took pictures of it with my fone.
went to pick her and her good fren, patsy, up from town after my bro came back with the car at 10+. i can feel that everything was different. the way she talked. the expression on her face. the way she behaved. it was really quiet in the car initially. i had no idea what to say to her and patsy. after a while she juz started talking to pat about their shopping and stuff, think in an attempt to make it less awkward?? no idea man.
anyway, went straight to her place after sending pat home.
actually wanted her to open the box in the car but for some weird reason i changed my mind. i told her to bring the whole box home instead. duno which was the better option but whatever.
went to meet PJ after that and had a nice long talk at the dam. juz sat there and talked for over 3 hours. suddenly i juz felt so much less of a man, i've become like so weak...so vulnerable..so..."girly" in my thinking...so un-me.
anyway, thanks PJ, you're really a wonderful fren. frens for life babe.
went back home and looked at her blog again. she had a new entry. her ex sent her a disturbing sms YET AGAIN. what an asshole. hes got a new gf and yet he juz dun wana let her live her life in peace. sometimes i really think that the bastard deserves a really good thrashing. he needs to be taught a lesson and wake up. he had hurt her badly enough once already, and still wants to continue doing it. whats he trying to do man? but then again...im was in no position to do anything before, and more so now.
i msg her to take care before i finally got into bed. what a day.
i dint have the car yest coz bro was using it. its the first time i've walked around my area like that, looking for stuff. i went to and fro the same area like 3-4 times and walked to places i normally would dread going on foot.
thinking about it...im quite surprised actually, considering that i've become very reliant on the car over the years and that for once, those places appear "so nearby" and i dint complain about the distance and i actually made a few trips to get the stuff. im not that lazy afterall.
===========================================
shes working today so im not meeting her. then again...even if shes free today i may not meet her as well...dun want it to be awkward.
im juz wondering if i should go pick her up after work tonite, like i always do. even though i more or less know what to expect, i juz wana hear it from her about whats going to happen to us from now on.
are we really over? is she juz waiting for the guy to come back from overseas?
well...i juz duno if tonite is the best time to talk to her about that, coz she will be tired after a long day and she will be affected by her ex. i dun want her to feel more stressed up but then again, i really would like to know what shes gona say.
heard from their conversation in the car that they will be pretty busy the whole week..clubbing on wed...recovering from hangover on thur...probably going cbc again on fri...airport on sat to pick up a fren. if i dun ask her tonite, the next possible chance might be next week, after hes back...and she'll probably be meeting up with him a lot so not much possibilities there as well.
hmmm....dilemma.
no matter what, she has made me realised a few things about myself and i've learnt something from this whole "r/s", if its even considered one in the first place.
like what they say...
if its meant to be, its meant to be.
dun be sad that its over, be glad that it had happened.
i will look back, and i will smile.
it was wonderful while it lasted.
it had given me lots of pain,
but it had brought me many pleasant memories as well.
well...an interesting and enjoyable chapter of my life closed...im juz afraid that i may find it hard to get the book opened again...
i have this really bad feeling that im gona go back to being the "old me". to being terrified of commitment and probably afraid to love again?
its like i've finally manage to drag myself out of the hole and now i may end up sinking deeper into it.
its all in the mind...its like a switch...juz give me a few days to locate it...another few more days to figure out how to turn it off...and i'll be fine.
posted by tranzy at 11:15 AM
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